Here is something perfectly irreverent, yet too benevolent to entirely irritate most remotely rational devotees. This is how it is done, not with fire and brimstone, but with a kind smile and a dose of humanity. And what if... Ah, it is kind of fun to imagine a scenario like this.
Redemption and Brotherhood
After laying in a cave for what seemed like forever, nursing his wounds, the wounded man woke up early one morning, finally feeling quite refreshed. He decided to sneak out before dawn to rustle up some mutton and eggs on a biscuit.
The whole ordeal took quite a while. He had to visit three different farms. At the first farm he spotted a door off its hinges, so he fixed it and took some eggs. At the second farm he saw the barn was a mess, so he swept it and took some mutton. At the third farm he saw that the rope for the well was frayed, so he replaced it and took a biscuit. Then he went in to the blacksmith's cabin, where the hearth was always going. He cooked himself a meal. Then he noticed that the blacksmith had left some unwashed dishes from the previous evening. The man washed those, and the ones he had dirtied that morning.
After the man was well satiated, he stepped outside. The sun was just emerging far out over the horizon. He strode out over the hills and watched the sun climb up into the sky. It was such a blissful sight, that he lay back in the grass and took a nap.
Approaching mid day, the man awoke to the far off sound of a commotion, in the direction of his cave. He rose to his feet and strolled over to investigate.
The circumstances which had originally placed him in that cave to die were unfortunate. The man could not be sure that all had been forgiven by the authorities. It was possible that they might still want him dead. He pulled a shroud up over his head to hide his identity as he grew closer to the noise.
Presently he came within earshot, hiding behind a thicket of trees to listen. An excited crowd had gathered outside the cave, and some were in clear histrionics.
"He is risen from the dead!" one exclaimed.
"He died for our sins!" cried another.
"We have sinned against the chosen one," pronounced a third.
"Let us pray for his forgiveness," they all agreed.
Then suddenly the thunder of hooves approached, and Roman Centurions rounded the corner, emerging from the hills into the clearing. "What is the meaning of this!?" demanded the Captain.
"He is risen!" a peasant repeated.
The Captain dismounted from his stead in a huff and marched into the cave. He had been in there only a moment when he stormed back out into the clearing. "Jesus of Nazareth is missing! Find him! Or by Zeus I will have one of your hides in place of his!"
With that the Captain mounted his horse and with his men galloped off into the distance. The peasants all breathed a sigh of relief once the Centurions were out of sight. "Ah men," said one. "Jesus died for our sins. Let us pray that he returns."
Jesus thought about stepping out of the bushes These people certainly seemed to worship him. But when this whole thing started he had never imagined it would get so out of hand. He was just a carpenter who had reasoned out a few things and shared them with his friends. Now people were worshipping him like a God. He just wanted to find a nice girl, settle down somewhere, make a small farm, and raise a family. All that celebrity would get in the way of those ambitions.
After a few moments of mulling it over Jesus sighed. He decided he would just slip away, and go somewhere that nobody knew him so he could start over.
By now, the chanting in the clearing had reached a fevered pitch. Jesus backed away quietly. When he had created enough distance he ran up into the hills. Centurions were everywhere. He wouldn't get far walking in the daylight. He ducked into another cave to rest and wait for nightfall.
About ten minutes had passed when Jesus heard footsteps outside. Jesus backed far into the shadows of the cave and held his breath. To be caught now by a centurion would be a fate worse than death. The peasants would feel betrayed, and they would all spit on him as he was put to a more certain death this time.
The footsteps grew closer, and then they entered the cave. The figure appeared as a silhouette in the doorway, with rays of sunlight streaming in behind him. Jesus could not make out who it was. Then there was a whisper, "Jesus." Who could it be? The voice called a little louder. "Jesus, are you in here?"
The figure shuffled a little deeper into the cave. "Jesus, if you're in here, I am sorry that I betrayed you."
Could it be him? The friend who had done him in? From the cross, Jesus had looked down upon the regret in his eyes. He believed in the sincerity of the words he had just heard. But could he risk that he might have misread the man? How could he not? Such a friend would not betray him twice.
Jesus stepped out of the shadows. "Judas, is that you?"
"Jesus! You're alive!"
"Yes my friend. But how did you find me?'
"So wracked was I with guilt, that I had gone into the woods to hang myself. Then just as I was fitting the noose over my head, I spotted a man who looked like you running into the hills! I could not believe my eyes! I removed my head from that deadly tourniquet and followed the one I had witnessed, to see if it was truly you or if madness had set in to justify my darkly mission."
"It is me, my friend." Jesus smiled. "I am glad you are not dead."
"And I, you." The two men stood staring at one another for a wondrous moment. Then Judas sighed. "Jesus, did you call me friend?"
"Well, that's what you are."
"But after what I have done."
"Nonsense. You were confused. I could see how that tragic misjudgment weighed on your conscience. I did not imagine you could ever consider taking your own life. However, while I lay about healing, the center of my contemplation was over how the guilt of what you had done would follow you for all your days."
"I could not bear it!" Judas admitted, the tears streaming down his face.
"Ah, but I am alive now," said Jesus as he threw his arms around his friend. "You have suffered enough by believing that I was dead. I forgive you."
"Thank you Jesus."
Jesus stepped back and took stock off the other man. "What are your plans?" he asked.
"I don't know. There is nothing here for me now. Even if the others are to know that you live, most would not forgive me as you have. I suppose I must go away and start over somewhere new."
"Music to my ears!" Jesus laughed. "This is my plan too. Celebrity has run its course for me. I seek a quiet life in my next iteration."
"A quiet life sounds nice. But how? Your name, and even my name, are known far and wide."
"Then we shall change our names and shave our beards."
"What shall we call ourselves Jesus?"
"No more Jesus. From now on, call me Hank."
"Hank? I like it."
"Good. And what shall you call yourself?"
"I don't know. Do you have any ideas?"
"I always thought Jerry was a cool name."
"Jerry? I like it. I'll be Jerry and you will be Hank, and we will journey north to find wives."
"Then it is settled," said Jesus, aka Hank. "As soon as night falls we will go."
And so they went, never to be seen in the south lands again.
